Gotta love FaceBook. A few weeks ago it reminded me it’s been a year since I celebrated NOT getting laid off.
Well…. I guess we celebrated that milestone a few weeks too early.
I know. It’s been awhile since I have written. I have been busy trying to figure things out. I haven’t been in a mindset to write about what’s been happening. This year hasn’t been a bad year. It’s actually been a pretty good year, it’s just been hard to fit all the pieces together.
In basketball, we called that rebuilding. Our college team fortunately did not have any rebuilding years. We were good every year. (YAY US!) But in high school my sophomore year was a rebuilding year. We went 1-17 (that’s 1 win and 17 losses). I remember as a team we couldn’t figure out why we couldn’t win. We were a pretty good team, with some pretty good players. We just couldn’t seem to put it all together.
That was also the first year the 3-point shot was incorporated into high school ball. (I know– I’m OLD.) I scored the first 3 pointer for my high school team in my high school’s history. My dad reminded me of that little tidbit as we were on our way to my high school’s Athletic Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony where I was being inducted along with 4 other former athletes.
I experienced a similar highlight when my college basketball team was inducted into our college Athletic Hall of Fame a few months later. My family and I attended that ceremony along with most of my college teammates. That was an awesome night. My teammates and I have remained close friends over the last 20 years but haven’t been all together for a long time.
See, not a bad year.
Despite those specific positive events and many more, I still had the feeling of not being able to put it all together. I felt disjointed. I needed to be put back together. I needed rebuilding. It does sound cliche. I thought the whole “I am working on myself,” thing a bit stereotypical of a 40-something in a mid-life crisis brought on by a mid-life event a little dramatic. Even for dramatic me.
But life just kind of does that to you. It teaches. Like before I became a mom, I had opinions on all kinds of parenting. I was the BEST kind of parent, right? The one who had never parented? I was the one in the restaurant who whispered to the person with me: Gee, can’t they shut that kid up? / Keep that kid still? / Teach that kid manners?
Then I had kids and I learned I had no idea how to parent and I had no right to judge anyone EVER. Holy $h*t. Sometimes I think that’s why The Universe gifted me McKenna. (see Do I Really Have an 18 Year Old?? )
You want to be judgmental, Denise? Fine, now I am going to give you a run for your judgmental a$$. All my love, The Universe
And by God, I got a run for my money. And I learned my lesson. I learned not to be judgmental of other parents, but I learned a billion other things in the process, including how fiercely I can love another human being. And how proud I can be of BOTH my little human beings.
My learning curve this time revolved around employment. Believe it or not, I questioned the judgement of those parents who chose work over family (even though I was choosing work over family (smh ), those who let their jobs define them (ahem…me), and those who became terrified of losing their new job after having once been laid off from an old job. (I’m not there yet, but I’m terrified in other ways.)
Clearly The Universe felt I needed a wake-up call.
I have done lots of reflecting. This go round with The Universe has taken me through every emotion you can imagine. Here are some highlights of where I landed.
The work/life balance is real. When I started being home 100% of the time, it REALLY highlighted my lack of balance. I was probably at 85% work and 15% family. I loved my job and it took over everything. This year helped me to understand I can love a job, feel invested and make a difference, without giving my life to the job or letting it define me.
I achieved that understanding through the work I do for a local non-profit organization providing Restorative Justice Facilitation. Restorative Justice views crime as more than breaking the law – it recognizes that the crime also causes harm to people, relationships, and the community. A just response must address those harmed as well as the wrongdoing. (restorativejustice.org)
My role as a facilitator is to bring those parties together, discuss the harm that has been done, and how it can be repaired. There is a lot of work that happens between the crime and the bringing together, but all of it–it is life-changing. And the circle process, the bringing together of the parties– I call it MAGIC.
That job is only 10 or 15 hours a week, but it feeds my soul enough that I don’t need it to eat up 85% of my life.
Which is good because FULL DISCLOSURE, I work 20 hours a week at a local university. That job doesn’t feed my soul, but it’s consistent and contributes to the bills, which is important if I want to continue to be a responsible adult. It will also help me as I continue to rebuild. I will share more specifically about that in a future installment. 🙂
Dinner is worth the effort. If you have read my stuff in the past you know I hate to cook. My past life attempts at dinner were sub-standard at best. Dinner at the Smiths consisted of pre-made or processed foods, heat-and-eat portions, lots of chicken fingers. I just didn’t have the time or mental energy to put into cooking.
When I lost my job, I didn’t have an excuse not to cook and we didn’t have the extra money to spend on pre-packaged food. I started making REAL food. I don’t really buy anything pre-done anymore. Not even spaghetti sauce in a jar. It doesn’t take that much time or effort to make it myself and it is much healthier for us. More importantly, I feel so much better about it.
Which feeds my soul literally AND figuratively. It also feeds my ego because no one complains anymore. They just eat.
And while I recognize the topic of dinner may seem redundant to you as, YES, I KNOW I have discussed it before. **Spoiler alert – it will come up again.**
Sharing is not always caring. For some people that might be an obvious sentence. I am not some people. I have always been the type who puts everything out there–thoughts, feelings, trust…100%, all of me, every bit of me, all the time. Loyal followers and close friends know that is likely TOO MUCH of me, TOO MUCH of the time. I always believed being truly authentic meant putting it all out there.
I have changed a lot over the last 10 years. I evolved from a mouthy, immature and emotional employee to a mature, focused, and educated supervising professional. Where I didn’t hold back was in discussions with “trusted” colleagues, if someone asked my personal opinion, or if I was venting in what I thought was a safe space. I am a venter.
What I learned from the last 3 years and what came to head in the last year, is that sometimes being true to myself might be staying quiet. Not everyone is looking out for my best interest and sometimes what I share can hurt me.
I realized that sometimes it’s more important to be strategic in a conversation than it is to be right. Or honest. Which goes against everything I am. Which creates the kind of communicator who cannot communicate… who umms and ahhhs and studders. Who can’t find the right words to say whatever the HELL she is trying to say….But hopefully I will get better at it as I practice.
Ironic really, that I have one of most incredible light-bulb moments of my life and it is that I should just shut up. HA! Even more ironic is that it happens during the year that has been unofficially dubbed “the year of the woman.” hahaha, Right?!
Oh well, I still get the last laugh because what all of this boils down to, the ultimate lesson, is it really is All About Me. Ahhh, I love saying that.
I’m just going to leave it there for now, but don’t worry, I’m TOTALLY going to expand on the ME stuff. Are you kidding?
Until next time…