Well, we just endured another Nor’ester in Maine. This one, THE worst of the season, came on the heels of last week’s “worst of the season.” I have been thinking about how much I hate winter. I especially hate it this time of year, when we have already had our fill of Nor’easters and are just ready to put our feet on some soft green grass, look up at clear blue sky, and hear the birds sing.
Then out of nowhere, I heard someone say, “I loooovvve winter!” in my head. I jumped and looked around because I don’t even know who said it! It just trilled in my head and knocked around a little, you know, like the ball in a pinball machine? Maybe it was Big Mouth Denise trying to antagonize me or maybe it was some ghost from the past, but it freaked me out. Because seriously,
who the hell in their right mind loves winter?
I mean, I get that it can be pretty when the snow comes down and if you are a skier or snowmobiler you get to do those things, but come on, really? When push comes to shove, do you like winter or are you just making the best of a shitty situation?
Here are a few things I’d like to remind you of:
- Shoveling & snow-blowing. Ok, pretty obvious, we know they suck. If you have to shovel more than a few feet of heavy snow, your back feels it pretty quickly no matter who you are or what your age.
And listen, I call bullshit to those of you out there who say they PREFER snowblowing to plowing. I understand paying someone to plow can be expensive and purchasing said plow can be an upfront expense many can’t afford. Hell, I couldn’t afford it. My Dad bought the plow we have. He bought the plow and then promptly bought himself a winter home in Florida.
Now as I write this, I even wonder if that plow purchase was a pity purchase? “Sorry, kid. I’m going to Florida, but here, I got you your very own plow! Enjoy!” Or perhaps it was purchased out of guilt. “Hey so, we just bought this great place in Florida. But don’t worry, your Old Man didn’t leave you with nothing. I got YOU a PLOW!”
In any case, we have it and we appreciate it every time my daughter tells us to get our asses out there and get to plowing. <insert rolling eye emoji>
Anyway, snow-blowing is not fun. It’s cold and wet. And it takes FOREVER. I don’t care how bad your OCD is, perfectly snow-blown driveways or walkways are not worth frozen toes. And if someone were to offer up a warm plow-truck, hot coffee, and sports talk on the radio like my dad did, I find it hard to believe none of you yahoos would accept it.
2. Snow down your boot, back, mitten, neck, pants. I cringe and get goose bumps even now as I think about it. It never matters how high my boots are, every time I walk out to my car, snow gets in my boots. I could wear waders and I would get snow in my boots!
But here’s the thing, in the summer if you stand under the sprinkler or someone douses you with water– THAT doesn’t feel like you were just stabbed in the foot with 1,000 tiny needles!
3. Snow flying off someone else’s car and onto your windshield. I had a friend who actually caught a full windshield of ice from the car in front of him. It busted his windshield all up. He wasn’t hurt, fortunately.
Sunshine doesn’t fly off the car in front of you and bust up your windshield. Enough said.
4. Heating your house, well, unless money grows on trees for you. This is a real issue for us, Mainers. Where I live the option is oil or electricity. My parents did just get one of those fancy heat pumps and that seems to be working well for the small apartment they don’t use in the winter. (Florida, remember?) And of course, there are the alternative forms of energy like solar or wind.
Like I said, reality in my neck of the woods is oil. My house is pretty new, making it relatively energy efficient. It would be even more energy efficient if my husband would just listen to me already and do some simple winterizing in the fall. Or even in the winter for that matter. (I can’t do everything, ok?). But it still takes a good chunk to heat this place. And I try to keep the thermostat at 69 or 70. Still, my daughter is always complaining she is cold.
The shorts and t-shirt probably don’t help.
What double sucks is our driveway is right in front of where the oil intake is. So every time there is a snowstorm and we plow, we (my husband) also have to shovel a path through that gigantic snow pile for the oil guy.
5. Raking the roof. We have a porch on the front of our house. I love it. It’s charming and cute and nice to sit and rock on in the summer. Ya know, when it’s warm? In the winter, it’s a snow collector. After a snow storm like the one we just experienced, it holds 2+ feet of snow up there. My son, whose room overlooks that porch, can’t see out his window. That porch, which my son views as an escape route in an emergency, becomes a source of fear because if anything happens, he AIN’T getting out.
So we have to rake the roof. Well of course, we don’t have a roof rake. (That’s how we roll at the Smiths.) One day I called every hardware store and big box store in a 25 mile radius looking for a roof rake and EVERY SINGLE ONE was sold out. So I did what I should have done in the first place: I called my Aunt Bev.
“Of course I have a roof rake,” she said. Of course she has a roof rake, I said. DUH. So I picked it up and promptly spent the next 3 torturous hours pulling and yanking heavy, wet snow from our porch roof, only to have the weather turn warm the next day.
Literally, it was 45 degrees and everything melted.
F’n Maine winters. It’s like Mother Nature just rubbing her power in your face.
I mean, I see all your sledding photos on Facebook with your smiles and happy faces. Sure, sledding is fun. I used to have fun sledding, too. But I also remember being cold and wet and peeing my pants. Yeah, I peed my pants! I would get to laughing so hard that whoops there it is pee in my pants. It’s a thing. Maybe I will write more about it someday, but all you need to know now is that no, I’ve never gotten over it. Maybe I am a little bitter. But it definitely isn’t influencing my feelings about winter.
So there. I listed 5 reasons that winter sucks. Perhaps I listed 5 of the most obvious reasons. You could say, “Yeah, Denise, when you say it like that, winter sounds so bad. But you did list like 5 of the WORST things.” (Spoken in that kind of nasally, whiny voice some people use when they want to argue but they really know they have LOST the argument.)
Not true my friends. I left a lot out. I mean, I could have written about dry skin, chapped lips, getting stuck (that’s a big one), falling on the ice, potholes, slippery roads, ridiculous commutes, dirty cars, dirty snow, iced up windshield wipers…
Do I really need to go on? I mean, didn’t I have you at bulls%@t?